By the way

I recently realized how often I say "by the way" right before I'm about to say something that has nothing to do with whatever we've been talking about.

Bob: "Hey did you see that new movie this weekend?"
Me: "No, not yet. Hey, by the way, what did you think of that lecture yesterday?"

Oh well, nobody seems to call me on it.

Lemonheads Commercial

Hollywood

Why is it that the only thing Hollywood wants us to believe in is Santa Clause?

Gas Gauge

It is always kind of sad when you first realize that you're not all the way on full anymore. Before then it's kind of like you're driving for free...I mean, it's still on full, and you're driving, and it's not going down. Then it all dissapears and you're paying for your gas again.

Sweet Tooth

When most people go through their winter coats they get excited because they find they've left a $10 bill in the pocket. Not me. I get excited because I find a bag full of candy. Mmm, Jelly Bellies.

It was scary

"I saw the Holy Ghost, and it was scary."
-Fin, a 4-year-old in our Primary Class during sharing time

You know how sometimes when you wake up you are still kind of dreaming and things make sense that later don't make any sense. Well, the other night I woke up in just such a state. I had a nightmare about watching a bear attack on TV and in the dream I didn't want to watch it because it was so disturbing to see this person get tortured by a huge bear.

It was the middle of the night when I woke up, and I couldn't stop thinking about it. Then I started wondering if there were a bear in the house. I started planning out what I would do if it walked into the room. Would it be best to hide under the bed? Should we jump out of the window? If we went in the bathroom and closed the door, would he be smart enough to know he could break it down or would he walk away?

I finally got up and turned on the TV to try to get my mind off the subject. Guess what was on? A show about bears in Yellowstone.

The in-laws

What is a brother-in-law? What is a sister-in-law? Isn't it just your wife's brother or sister? Or even your sibilings' spouses?

Yeah, well what about the spouses of your siblings-in-laws? They're in-laws too, right? Well, that depends on who you talk to. If you talk to me, no. I mean seriously, if they are your in-laws, then their siblings are also your in-laws too...and their in-laws? And all of a sudden I come to find that Walt Disney was my great-great-in-law. And Mickey Mouse was his brain child, so Mickey Mouse and I are actually kind of related, and nobody can find anyone to date that isn't an in-law, and we all move to Arkansas to get hitched to our relatives.

Although, it would be nice to have so many connections.

Old Printers

Remember these old printers? How you could make banners with them, and how you had to load them by lining up the holes in the paper with the little notches?

(Sigh) Whatever happened to those things?

Milk Crusties

Have you ever made a shake and then realized that you accidentally must have diced up some sort of plastic item along with everything else, but you try to drink it anyway because you don't want to waste this otherwise perfectly good shake, so you first try to separate the plastic in your mouth and then spit it out, but then you just gulp it down because you figure plastic never killed anyone, and then you can't take it anymore and throw the rest away? I have. It was kind of gross.

I would say it was a milk jug crusty, but there was way to much crustiness to be from a milk jug. Those crusties are out there to get us though. They just sit on the lip of the milk jug waiting for you to pour so it can jump down into your glass and drown in the milk. Nothing you can do, really. The key is prevention.

Old Man Strength

Once you get to 40 or so, you begin to have old man strength. It's an interesting phenomenon, but they are a lot stronger than you would think. Never underestimate the old man strength when picking a fight.

Pop quiz: Who would win in a fight, Jason Bourne or James Bond?

Answer #1: If it were a James Bond movie, then Bond. Although Jason Bourne is an amazing fighter, James Bond would have some sort of gadget that would kill Jason Bourne when he least expected.

Answer #2: If it were a Bourne Movie, then Jason Bourne. It doesn't matter what kind of gadgets Bond has, Bourne will probably end up killing Bond with his own toothbrush.

Real Answer: It is irrelevant. By the end of the movie Chuck Norris would have killed them both.

Prussia

I am learning lots of stuff in my History class this semester. Like, did you know that Prussia was not some combination of Russia and Poland. Didn't have anything to do with either one. But with a name like Prussia, who wouldn't think that?

I mean, if there was a new country called the Punited States of America where do you think it would be?

Match

Is is okay to wear brown and grey together? I mean, if I want to wear grey all-stars with brown cords (which I am right now) that goes right?

It has to go, you know why? I have a shirt that is grey and brown striped. If it doesn't go, then that shirt doesn't match with itself! How can a shirt not match with itself?

I rest my case.

Sugar

"Too sweet?! How can something be too sweet?! What, is it too good?! I mean I can see something being too sour or too bitter, but too sweet?!"

- Rob

I can only agree with you Rob. I have quite a sweet tooth, but I can't help it, it's in my genes. Grandpa Hintze, Dad, Amy. I mean, how does anyone not have a sweet tooth? How does candy or cake or karo syrup not taste good to them?

I just don't get it. Sweet is good. May I modify a quote.

"Don't try to make it too sweet, that would be impossible. Only try to realize the truth."

"What truth?"

"There is no too sweet."

Internet

My posts have become few and far between. This is because I don't have any internet where I live. I have essentially warped back into the early 90s. And when I'm working, and have access to the internet, I don't have anything good to post about. All my ideas come when I'm at home, singing in the shower, throwing around the bouncy ball, or staring at the ceiling...

Bottles

Why do they put the conditioner in the good container on the right and the shampoo in the less good container on the left?

Don't we all agree that one is superior? It's like the ketchup companies that still put their ketchup in the bottles that are way harder to get the ketchup from.

Towel Racks

It seems like no matter where I go, the towel rack doesn't quite fit two towels on it. One is always a little scrunched up.

I wonder if it is a conspiracy. Like hot dogs and hot dog buns.

Movie Ratings

When I am browsing through movies, I don't only like to see what they are rated, I like to see why they are rated what they are. You'd be surprised sometimes with what you find. Sure there's the usual "For violence, mild peril, and some innuendo," but every once in a while they have other reasons for the rating. Like:

Quirky situations - Charlie and The Chocolate Factory

Some double-entendres - Dr. Seuss' The Cat In The Hat

Swashbuckling action - Shrek the Third

Intense depiction of very bad weather - Twister

Non-stop creature action violence - Van Helsing

Keep your eyes peeled, and I'm sure you'll find some good ones.

Native American

When you hear the words "Native American" what do you think?  Maybe a dark-skinned, black-haired person with a feather in his hair, like the guy in the photo.  That is such a stereotype.

Well, guess what?  I know a Native American with light skin and red hair who wears cardinals hats.  Me.

Yes, I am a Native American.  100%, actually.  I was born in America, and if I'm not Native American what am I?  I rest my case.

Sign Wavers

We've all seen them, and we can't avoid them: sign wavers. They stand on street corners all over the nation spinning, twirling, and in all other ways waving their signs around to try to get your business.

How effective are they? I don't know, but they haven't convinced me to shop anywhere, and if anything have deterred me.

I don't know that there is much job security for a sign waver in these economically hard times we are going through. It seems like they would be so easily replaced by, you know, a pole or something.

That would be a hard one to take wouldn't it? You show up to work and your boss lays you off, and when you ask why he doesn't say its downsizing or that you've been doing a bad job, but he just realized he could buy a $5 post to hold up the sign and have the same effect.

...poor sign wavers...